I’m currently reading a book about Adlerian psychology*. The authors, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, reformulate the teachings of the great 20th-century psychotherapist Alfred Adler. Adler was a contemporary of Freud and Jung who wrote widely on personality theory. One of the principles examined in this book is Adler’s belief that one should not look at life as a competition. Ironically, as a trial lawyer, I find the concept of a competition-free life liberating. On page 80, the authors observe, “Once one is released from the schema of competition, the need to triumph over someone disappears. One is also released from the fear that says, Maybe I will lose.”
Is there a way to actually do this in family law?
I’m as competitive as anyone. I suppose that's what attracts me to the courtroom. But I also see the long-term toxic effects of competition on the soul. As proof, consider the many lawyers in our field either cracking up or becoming mediators by their mid-fifties (if not earlier).
I’ve observed how some lawyers become a bit crazy dealing with contested matters, exhibiting all kinds of aberrant behavior to cope with their fear and nerves. In the short term, most people weather the storm and are better for it. But in the long term, a chronically competitive mindset is corrosive. What if one could reframe their thinking to overcome fear and anxiety entirely?
Here is a mental exercise that will help. Assume you’re in a relay race, with the baton being the contested issue to be resolved. Until the client meets and retains you, she is running with the baton. Once you take the case, the client passes the baton to you. Ultimately, you present the matter to the court and pass the baton to the judge.
I know this is a bit hokey, but it’s a reminder that your job is not to win; it's to simply use your best effort to get the baton into the Judge’s hands. Once you do so, the pressure’s off. What the Judge does with the baton is his business. Your only concern is to make sure you hand it off properly. If the anchor (Judge) drops the baton after you give it to him, you've done what you could do and can leave the courtroom with an easy heart.
My friend, Chris Melcher, has a similar way of redefining your role—not as a gladiator but as a teacher. As Chris observed to the students at the ABA Family Law Trial Advocacy Institute a few years ago, your job is to gather and present the evidence in a way that helps the judge make the right decision. That’s it. Again, like the relay runner, your job is not to “win” but rather to “help” the judge do his job. Again, the pressure’s off; just do your best to help make the Judge's job easier.
When we think of ourselves as combatants, we take on our clients’ issues personally, and this is where the problems start. Our job is not to win. If you believe that, you’re doomed to a miserable career. Too much is out of your control, and personalizing every contested matter will send you to the loony bin sooner rather than later.
The only competition that’s truly worthwhile is the competition with yourself—to become a better lawyer every day that you practice. To be better prepared, have better self-control, and act more professionally, that's the ultimate win.
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* “The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon that Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
I really enjoyed this post. The image of a chess game is apt. In chess, there is one winner and one loser (or a draw) and no excuse about why you lost. You're either better or worse than your opponent.
I like chess, but I prefer to play against the computer. I'm getting better and I'm learning new openings, for example, but I'm not crushing someone in competition and I'm not getting crushed.
Competition is our default metaphor for courtroom work. But I find the "lawyer as teacher" metaphor really appealing. Recently, someone asked me, "How do you convince your clients to take good plea deals." My answer was, "If I try to convince them, I lose all influence. They resist me with everything they've got. I have to move away from any adversarial relationship and move to the role of advisor." I may need to replace that with, "teacher."
Very thought provoking. I really appreciate the post.