Divorce Unmasked

For forty years and counting, I’ve helped people suffering through divorce, and the resulting life lessons have been abundant. I want to share some of them.

First, it's rare that someone can maintain their “mask” under the pressure of divorce.

Most live their public lives with their mask on, the persona they want to project to the world. Clients often tell me that their spouse’s public and private personas are vastly different; in public, the spouse is easygoing and charming, and at home, the same person is a jackal.

They fret that the charming public mask may deceive the judge into believing their spouse is a decent person. I respond that ironically, character rarely is at issue in a divorce and that in any event, few can maintain the facade under the pressure of divorce. The public mask usually melts like candle wax under the hot glare of the courtroom.

And along those lines, I’ve learned that people aren’t necessarily who they appear to be socially or professionally. Many who appear confident and commanding are terrified children underneath. At other times, I'm surprised by the resolve of people who seem deferential and indecisive. You just don’t know how someone will act in a divorce based on appearances or assumptions. The pressure of the process reveals people’s true character.

When I was a young lawyer, I joined a golf club in part to try to develop a wealthy client base. As it turns out—for any number of reasons—this wasn’t a brilliant idea. First, I was so busy with my practice and raising a young family that I rarely had time to play. And then when I did play, I felt rushed, which led to too much Scotch trying to relax and, as a result, poor scores. I had the highest handicap at the club. What a badge of honor.

Anyway, I relate this experience not to brag about my ineptitude as a golfer but to further the discussion about life lessons. I remember seeing several young members driving fancy cars and living what appeared to be a very successful lifestyle. As a young lawyer building my firm and family, I wasn’t living on beans and bologna, but I certainly wasn’t rocking the house financially. I believed these guys in their Lamborghinis and thousand-dollar golf clubs had it all figured out. I was envious of their success.

Later, a number of them or their spouses retained me to help them on their cases. I discovered that their public persona of "young, pretty, and rich" was either driven by debt or financial pretense. When the bottom fell out, so did the facade. It again confirmed that all is not what it appears to be. The mental energy necessary to sustain this illusion had to be exhausting. Undoubtedly, living this lie must have contributed to the dissolution of their marriages.

I guess what I’ve learned from these experiences is that we’re all just people trying to get along the best way we know how. Some feel that they need to rely on their masks to survive. Others are transparent and genuine. Still, others just lack any insight into their psyches and comfortably inhabit Holden Caulfield’s world of phoniness. But judging people based upon how they act during the worst experience of their lives is unfair. Life is hard, made harder still by an often merciless court proceeding.

Whether the mask is for emotional protection or to survive the day, there is someone behind it.

The face may be fake, but the pain is real.